Your preteen wants their own phone. You’re torn—and worried for their safety. As they explore the digital world, they’re well on their way to independence. 91% of kids will have a smartphone by the time they turn 14, according to Common Sense Media.
If you’re on the fence about signing the Wait Until 8th pledge, or even considering giving your preteen a phone, here’s what you should know according to Connecticut Children’s injury prevention leadership.
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1. “We listen, and we don’t judge.” Understand why they want a phone.
Just ask why they want a phone. Is it because all their friends have one? Do they want to play games, stay connected, or use social media? Understanding their motivation can help you decide if a phone is necessary or a “nice to have.”
2. Ask yourself if your preteen is truly ready for a phone.
Not all preteens are ready for the responsibility of owning a phone. Ask yourself:
Can they follow directions and understand limits?
Do they understand the importance of privacy and online safety?
What about the consequences of participating in cyber bullying?
A phone can be a helpful tool, but it’s also a responsibility. If your preteen struggles with rules or time management, you might consider waiting or starting with a more limited device like a smart watch instead.
3. Be clear about expectations and rules for owning a phone.
Some rules to consider include:
Usage time: Decide when and where the phone can be used, such as no phones during meals, in bedrooms, or phones off at bedtime. Make a chart and post in the house.
Content restrictions: Use parental controls to block inappropriate apps, websites, and content. Yes, there’s an app for that.
Social media rules: If they’re allowed on social media, discuss privacy settings, appropriate behavior, and the risks of oversharing.
Screen-free time and designated areas: Designate areas like the dinner table or family events as phone-free. Friday night? Family board game night! Plus, here are 7 ways the whole family can reduce screen time.
Better yet? Make a written contract together and agree to the terms, as a family unit. We recommend using the American Academy of Pediatrics’ (AAP) Family Media Plan.
4. Find the device that’s right for your child.
Not all phones are created equal, and you don’t need to buy the latest smartphone for your preteen. Options include:
Basic phones: These allow for calls and texts without internet access, making them a good starter option.
Smartphones with restrictions: Many devices come with robust parental control settings, allowing you to limit apps, screen time, and internet access.
Kid-specific phones: Some brands offer phones designed for kids, with built-in safety features and limited capabilities.
Smart watch only: This is sometimes a nice consideration for children with special needs. It allows for calls to parents if needed, limited apps, and tracking without all of the complexities of full internet access.
Evaluate what features are necessary based on your preteen’s needs and your comfort level.
5. Teach them about digital safety skills. The earlier, the better.
Owning a phone means navigating the digital world, which comes with benefits, risks and consequences. Equip your preteen with essential safety knowledge, including:
Protecting personal information: Teach them to avoid sharing personal details like their full name, address, or school online. People may seem genuine, but preteens are truly vulnerable to manipulation. If someone, even a friend, asks for personal information, encourage them to always tell an adult first.
Recognizing scams: Discuss common online scams and the importance of not clicking on suspicious links or responding to unknown messages.
Cyberbullying awareness: Explain what cyberbullying is and encourage them to speak up if they experience or witness it.
Stranger danger: Reinforce that they should never communicate with strangers online, even if the person seems friendly.
The cautions of forming relationships: Similar to the first point above, preteens who begin dating and use texting as a means of communication might be more willing to send photos and videos of themselves. This is where, as a parent, you’ll want to be more involved.
>>Important: Nothing you put out there is ever “deleted,” even with SnapChat. Even if a post looks like a fleeting moment in time, there are ways to capture it so it’s “forever.”
Consider enrolling your child in a digital literacy or online safety course, like this free one from the FBI for grades 3-8.
6. Keep tabs on their phone use, but don’t micromanage.
While it’s important to trust your preteen, regular monitoring can help you ensure their safety. Tools like parental control apps allow you to:
Monitor screen time and app usage.
Track their location in case of emergencies.
Set limits on internet access.
Balance monitoring with open communication. Let your preteen know what you’re monitoring and why. This transparency helps build trust and keeps them from feeling spied on.
Apps, social media platforms, and video streaming services are all designed to fight for and keep our attention. It is critical for us to... develop a healthy sense of control over our devices instead of our devices controlling us.
7. Talk about intentional design and taking control.
Apps, social media platforms, and video streaming services are all designed to fight for and keep our attention. It is critical for us to help all kids, preteens, and teens (and ourselves) to develop a healthy sense of control over our devices instead of our devices controlling us. Talk about:
• Push notification settings and turn on/off appropriately. • The feelings that using the device bring about. • How to notice when you hit your limit. This could be loss of time, doom scrolling, noticing you are running late for things, missing chores, feeling FOMO (fear of missing out), and/or feelings of sadness, jealousy, anger, etc. • Whether the device is crowding out other things your child wants to or needs to get done. This includes sleep, homework, exercise, chores, time with friends in person, etc.
Helping you child develop mindfulness strategies will help them stay in control of the device instead of letting the device slowly take control of them.
8. Be smart about AI with your preteen
Modern smartphones often come equipped with artificial intelligence (AI) features, which can both enhance and complicate your preteen’s phone experience. Here’s how to approach AI responsibly:
Voice assistants: Many devices include AI-powered voice assistants like Siri or Google Assistant. Teach your preteen how to use these tools responsibly, such as setting reminders or looking up homework help, while cautioning against sharing sensitive information.
Parental control AI: Leverage AI-powered parental control apps that can monitor content, flag potentially harmful messages, and provide insights into their digital habits.
Content recommendations: Many apps use AI to suggest videos, games, or articles. Encourage critical thinking about these recommendations and remind your preteen that not all content is appropriate or accurate.
AI in social media: Discuss how AI-driven algorithms can influence what they see online, including the risks of spreading disinformation and overexposure to certain types of content, much like the harmful skinfluencer trend.
Following the same rules you set for them so as to play fair.
Taking time to sit down and talk face to face.
By modeling good habits, you reinforce the behaviors you want your preteen to adopt.
10. Keep the door open for communication.
Giving your preteen a phone is not a one-and-done decision. If you’re paying for it, you have the upper hand. Don’t be afraid to ask questions like:
How are you using your phone?
Have you come across anything online that made you feel a certain way?
Are there any new apps or games out there you’d like to explore together?
Can you show me how to use SnapChat? (Even if you could care less.)
By staying involved, you can address concerns early and ensure your preteen feels comfortable coming to you with questions or problems. Here are some great conversation starters for family about media from the American Academy of Pediatrics.
11. Grant more privileges, little by little.
As your preteen shows more responsibility, consider gradually loosening restrictions. For example, you might extend their screen time limits, allow them to download new apps with your approval, or give them more privacy.
This gradual approach helps them build trust and independence while ensuring they’re ready for more freedom.
12. Accept that mistakes will happen.
No matter how many rules you set or lessons you teach, mistakes will happen. Your preteen might accidentally overshare online, download an inappropriate app, or exceed their screen time limits. Use these moments as learning opportunities rather than punishment. Discuss what went wrong, why it’s a problem, and how to avoid it in the future.
Remember, the goal is not just to keep them safe but to equip them with the skills and responsibility they’ll need as they grow.
By approaching this step thoughtfully and proactively, you can turn your preteen’s first phone experience into a positive milestone for your family.
